Tale of a Super Single Mom
So I finally am down to two semesters although I am pregnant again and having a rough time but I am so excited!!!! One I am Having a GIRL and that this is my last semester of classes that I will have to take then all I will have is my externs.. Then I will be able to go back to work!!!! Looks like 2010 is going to be a great year for me!!!!!
I have had one of the worst semesters so far. I have a math instructor that thinks that we are all illiterate. Seriously, all she does is read the book to us. Im not sure if she even knows half of what she is teaching us. She stood up infront of the class and told us numerous time that she had never seen what she was teaching us and that she had no clue how to do it herself. It was ridiculous. There was so many questions and she never answered hardly any of the questions unless the answers were in the book. Setting down to the final I had butterflies in my stomach. I kept asking myself am I going to pass this final and the class altogether? It was so nerve racking to know that my grade depended on exactly what I figured for myself and not what my instructor had taught us. I waited for three days to find out my grade. I was so nervous. I didn’t know how my grade was going to turn out. It was to my surprise when I looked at my grade and it said a B I was ecstatic!! It is a wonderful feeling to know that when you try soo hard and you feel like you fail that you actually are just under cutting yourself.
I started seeing this guy a couple of weeks ago. I thought he wanted the same thing that I did; the only problem was that alcohol and the point of him not having any respect for me and my rules in my home got in the way. He thought that he could talk to me like I was a dog! Well guess what he was wrong it is different if you are just joking around but you do not make me feel like I am nothing in my own home. His famous phrase what “you haven’t learned how to take me yet”. What a pathetic excuse for treating someone like they are dirt. So I had to make a decision, did I want to be treated like this the rest of my life? When it was just my son, him, and I it was great but if anyone even other kids came around he treated me this way. My best friend said that she wouldn’t ever come over with him here again and my cousins 5 year old said that she didn’t want to be here when he is. This is all because of the way that he talks, acts, and orders me around. How ridiculous, when I tried to talk to him about it he just laughed. He thought it was funny!! I bet he doesn’t think it is so funny any more since I split ties with him. I do not want my 2 year old to grow up seeing his mom being treated like that and no one else deserves to have to see it either.
If I have any advice to give to any one that is in a situation like this it would be to walk away and cut your losses. It is not appropriate for any one to have to go through this and for anyone else to have to see you go through this. I understand that there is a love for that person but you have to think what do you want to teach your children. If you want your kids to grow up and despise you for putting up with it than go ahead and stay in it. My opinion is that kids should never have to pay for what the parents choose to do. So it should not even be a question on whether or not to stay in a situation. If it is happening to you what is going to prevent it from happening to your children? Nothing at all. Things always seem to progress and get worse. So it is better to stop it now than to put your children through it later…
I stand in the back ground no matter what’s going on. I am always in the back ground. No one notices me until it is too late. By then everyone is so engrossed with something else that they just forget about me. I wake up to no one, go hours with out talking to anyone (adult), and sent years is the dark shadows of everyone else. When will someone notice me in the lime light out in front of everyone else? Never because I am and always will be in the dark shadows behind everyone else. I know and have excepted that the only time I will ever be in the lime light is the day I die (if people even remember to show up). It is ok though I have my baby and that is all that matters. I know even though no one else wants me or remembers me; my baby always will!!!! If it wasn’t for him I would be done right now but instead of dwelling in my own sorrow 24/7; I just suck it in and try to hide the pain. I remain in the dark shadows were I belong I was put there for a reason. Hell I probably wouldn’t be very good in the lime light anyways.
What in the world is my problem? I can’t get the guy I like because he is a friend and I can’t tell him because he would change the way that he talks and acts around me. But I can get any one else that I don’t want. I can’t understand; I know I am not drop dead gorgeous or anything to that extent; but I am not dog ugly either. It seems like the only people that want to be around me is people that have either dated/ married friends/family of mine. I don’t understand it. I don’t change I am the same way when I am with friends and family as I am every day. So why can’t I get a good guy that has not been with either a friend/family. I am so frustrated that it doesn’t even make since to me any more. I just decided to try to start dating again and the only people that want me are people that I can’t/wont touch. Is it too much for me to ask to get with a good guy that just wants to be with me for who I am? There are some that are just too good of friends for me to even consider dating! I guess I am just too picky. But that is the way I need to be. Its not that I think I am going to get the #1 hottest guy in the world. I just want a good guy that cares for me and excepts my son as being part of my life and doesn’t always want me to get rid of him to go on dates. Maybe just staying at home with my son and watching a movie means more to me that going to the fanciest most expensive places out there. I will never understand it. I just keep wondering what in the world is wrong with me!
I have had such a busy couple months. I feel like I haven’t really had time to breath. It is always one thing after another and It never stops. My son is now on 6 different medications for his asthma and allergies. I don’t know what to do any more. It is always so hectic around here that I just want to scream. I get so tired; but can’t sleep. I haven’t had hardly any sleep for the last couple months but yet I am still going everyday. I wish the world would just stop spinning so fast and slow down long enough for me to get some sleep. But you know that doesn’t ever happen. I am averaging any were from a half an hour to maybe 4 hours of sleep a night. I am always tired but I can’t stop just to much to do all the time. I don’t know if I will ever be on a normal sleep pattern again. My mind wonders 24/7 and I don’t feel as if I accomplish anything in the mean time. It is always something my son, school, home,or bills. It is hard to juggle everything alone. Though I don’t have a choice I still wonder if I ever will. My life is not mine it is consumed with making the best decisions for my son that I can. Though I fee like I fail all the time; I guess we are here and he is happy so I must be doing something right. I hope this month starts going better and I have a lot to look forward to. I only have four more weeks of school left and I am stressing about these finals coming up. That has to be put after my worries about if my son is going to get better on the medications. They seem to be working pretty well so I hope that they keep on and that we don’t have another fall through. It is a wonder that I am even still sane enough to remember how to think. I seem to be able to keep my mind in one direction long enough to get what I need to get done. I just can’t wait until after this semester is over and I have a two week period before my next semester starts. Every time I think about just having some me time I get excited. My family is great but it would be nice if they would help just a little more with giving me a chance to breath. The only me time I get any more is when I got to class. Most of the time that is alright but every once in a while I would love to just be able to sit at home by my self and relax. I feel like I am running all the time. I just need a period to be able to set at home and not have to worry about anything at all.
I have had a wonderful weekend except for the fact that one of my friends had a wedding to go to and I haven’t been able to talk to them. We have went to my best friends house swimming. It has been great. I am a little red but that is ok! I can deal with that. I hate to see this weekend end but tomorrow is the last day of the weekend so I am going to take this weekend out with a bang, FAMILY AND FRIENDS. It is going to be a great day tomorrow.
